Top 10 signs you have the wrong salesman!
10. When you complain that a car has too many miles, he asks you how many miles you'd like to see on it.
9. Has dog named "Pacer."
8. When you crank the car and fluid rockets over your left shoulder, he notes, "Oh, that's a standard feature on all of these newer models.
7. Uses the 'Slim Jim' strapped to his belt to open the cars for your inspection.
6. When you ask him where the restroom is, he says, "Tell 'ya what I'm gonna do ...."
5. Lunges behind a fern every time you mention "Mike Wallace."
4. His bumper sticker reads, "Honk If You've Ever Reamed A Guy For Eight C-notes On A '72 Dodge Dart."
3. Casts no shadow even in direct sunlight.
2. Never uses the words "excellent" and "Hyundai" in the same sentence.
1. Tries to convince you that this car will get better mileage because it is heavier, and you will be able to "coast a lot."

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

Top 10 Signs You've Bought a Bad Car

10. As you drive it off the lot, you see all the salesmen wildly
    high-fiving each other.
 9. It fails Aircare even when its not running.
 8. Don't have enough power to get over speed bumps.
 7. Owner's manual includes several prayers.
 6. You leave it parked for an hour in Surrey and nobody takes it.
 5. Digital display indicates number of people now laughing at you.
 4. So-called "decorative floor mats" just flattened Cap'n Crunch
    boxes.
 3. Blinking light on dashboard reads, "Get out of car now!"
 2. Headlights controlled by The Clapper.
 1. Car phone has direct line to BCAA...

Top 10 Least Popular New Car Options

10. Rear window fogger.
 9. Pre-filled ashtrays.
 8. Passenger airbag in trunk.
 7. Drifter in the backseat who says, "Your door is open."
 6. Hydraulic roadkill scoop.
 5. Polish AirBag goes off when head hits it going 30K or more.
 4. Ceiling fans.
 3. Electronic scanner that reads the mind of Roddy McDowell.
 2. Fish Head in Door panel.
 1. Intermittent steering.

TOP TEN WAYS AMERICAN CARS WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF RALPH NADER HAD NEVER BEEN
BORN

10. Dashboard hibachis
9 Seat belts made out of piano wire
8. Windshield replaced with ant farm for the kids
7. Strobe headlights make oncoming traffic look like an old-time movie
6. 50-foot antennas allow you to broadcast while driving
5. Optional front-seat hammocks
4. Wiper fluid reservoir routinely filled with Thousand Island dressing
3. Yellow Cabs would be exactly the same
2. The paper Buick
1. Speedometer replaced with electronic voice chanting "Punch it! Punch it!"

Dave Letterman's Top 10 Driving Tips

10. Firemen like it when you race alongside them.
9. If pursued by highway patrol always pull over immediately, then try to
flee on foot.
8. Keep freezer bags in glove compartment in case you hit a steer.
7. With the right tools, any rental car can be a convertible.
6. When transporting a monkey don't let him take the wheel no matter how
much he screeches.
5. To let other drivers know you're there, start blowing your horn as you
leave the driveway and don't stop until you reach your destination.
4. Only use Bat Chutes in a real emergency.
3. An engineer's cap and bandana add an element of fantasy and fun.
2. There are no finer men and women than the officers of the New Canaan
Connecticut Police Department. They are the unsung heros of the 20th
century.
1. When cutting through yards at night, look out for kids in tents.

Top Ten Signs Your Car Has To Be Recalled

10. Windshield wipers are on the inside

9. Salesman offered to knock $500 off your funeral

8. To make a right turn, you have to get out of car and physically turn wheels

7. You peel back the license plate and see "Saddam 1"

6. Feature that sets it apart from other cars? It's always on fire!

5. The "fan belt" spits venom and coils around your neck

4. Horn only audible to dogs

3. Bucket seats? Actual buckets

2. Dealer brags, "This is the car Stephen King owned when he wrote 'Christine'".

1. From transmission you hear the unmistakable cries of James Brolin

What the Fine Print Really Means!!!

Must Sell - Before it blows up.

Runs Fine - I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last minute attack of conscience.

Needs Some Body Work - Was side-swiped by a Winnebago.

Well Maintanied -I occasionally change the oil.

Looks Like New - Just don't try to drive it anywhere.

All Original - I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.

Loaded With Options - Each one more troublesome than the last.

Never Smoked In - Unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.

Project Car - I can't figure out how to finish it and I doubt you will either.

Lots of Potential - To drive you insane.

Needs Minor Repair - Doesn't run.

Engine Quiet - Uses 90-weight oil

Parts Car - Beyond repair.

Rough Condition - Too bad to lie about.

Immaculate - Recently washed.

Concours - Recently waxed.

Needs Minor Overhaul - Needs engine.

Needs Major Overhaul - Phone the junkyard.

Burns No Oil - It all leaks out.

Rebuilt Engine - Cleaned the spark plugs.

Drive It Anywhere - I live on a hill.

Drive It Anywhere - Within 10 miles.

Desireable Classic - No one wants it.

Rare Classic - No one wanted it even when it was new.

Stored 20 Years - In a farmer's field.

Ran When Stored - Won't start.

Never Apart - Bolts too rounded to loosen.

Solid As A Rock - Rusted solid

Restored With 0 Miles - Won't start.

Restored With 2 Miles - Won't stay running.

Older Restoration - First owner washed it.

Good Investment - Can't be worth much less.

No Time To Restore It - Can't obtain parts.

95% Complete - Other 5% doesn't exist.

Clean - Homeless dude at 5th and Main did the windows.

Good Transportation - It's ugly as sin.

Engine Blueprinted - I don't know what it means either.

Exellent Gas Mileage - It's slow.

Low Miles - The odometer was turned back.

One Owner - Can't give it away.

Sure to Appreciate - That's why I'm selling it.

..Or Best Offer - I'm guessing here.

Faster Than A 'Vette - A Chevette.

Other Interests Conflict - Spouse's ultimatum: "Either that #!!@&## thing goes or I do!"